Established MMXVIII · Circulation: Falling, By DesignMONDAY, AUGUST 31, 2026Price: Whatever The Sponsor Allows
We do not accept gifts over policy limits. We do accept awards, which are not gifts, per our own award.

Brain Epitaph

Complaints about our objectivity may be submitted to the address printed on our sponsor's letterhead.

All the news that's already dead — we just write the marker.

BreakingCharity Spends Half Of Donations On A Gala About Spending LessUniversity Renames Failing Grade "Growth Opportunity, Ungraded"Airline Loyalty Program Introduces Tier Above Platinum, Named After The CEOHospital Adds Gift Shop Next To Intensive Care, Calls Timing ConvenientGovernment Launches Awareness Campaign About The Cost Of Awareness CampaignsInsurance Company Denies Claim, Congratulates Itself On Quick Response TimeCharity Spends Half Of Donations On A Gala About Spending LessUniversity Renames Failing Grade "Growth Opportunity, Ungraded"Airline Loyalty Program Introduces Tier Above Platinum, Named After The CEOHospital Adds Gift Shop Next To Intensive Care, Calls Timing ConvenientGovernment Launches Awareness Campaign About The Cost Of Awareness CampaignsInsurance Company Denies Claim, Congratulates Itself On Quick Response Time

Front Page · Media Desk

This Newspaper Wins Honesty Award, Paid For By Companies It Has Never Written About

The judges included six sponsor employees, one sponsor, and two members who have been dead since 2021.

By Our Editor, Who Accepted It · Filed Under: Ethics

Photo of the glass block in reception, the only object in the building cleaned this year.

The Brain Epitaph was named Newspaper of the Year for Honesty on Thursday evening, at a party paid for by Hale Pharmaceuticals, Verrin Energy, the Osric Group, and a fourth company that asked not to be named.

Journalism has never mattered more.

We are reporting this ourselves. Nobody else was going to, and we have already been paid.

The award is a glass block, heavy enough to need two hands. It was given to us by a man who said warm things about our television work.

The party was closed to the press. Our editor went as a guest and was not allowed to bring a notebook.

The judges were nine people. Six work for the sponsors. One is a sponsor. The last two have been dead since 2021 and voted in favour.

"Journalism has never mattered more," said the head of the panel, who asked afterwards if we were the one with the crossword.

In 2019 Verrin Energy sued this newspaper over a story about a leak at one of its sites. The case was settled out of court. The deal created this award and deleted the story.

In the years the award covers, this newspaper has printed twelve thousand stories. A search of our own files for the sponsors' names gives a single result. It is this one.

The prize did not exist last year. The sponsors invented it, wrote the rules, and chose the list. We came first.

At press time the glass block stood in reception, where it is the only thing in the building that has been cleaned this year.

Everyone who clapped will be dead within sixty years. The block will not. It is glass, and it comes with a guarantee.

Tomorrow’s Forecast

Cloudy, With Occasional Applause

A ridge of self-congratulation moves in from the media sector, expected to clear by Thursday. Isolated showers of gratitude in regions with a PR budget.

Outlook: the next scandal is already being drafted as a learning.

Classifieds

  • FOR SALE: Framed certificate, category invented specifically for the winner. Frame not included.
  • WANTED: A juror who has read something we wrote in the last five years, for balance.
  • SERVICES: Independent audits, conducted by us, of ourselves, with a satisfaction guarantee.
  • LOST: This newspaper's credibility. Last seen at an open bar, talking to a sponsor.

Corrections

  • An earlier edition described our coverage as "fearless." Records show no story on the four companies present at Thursday's ceremony, in twelve thousand editions. We regret the word "fearless."
  • We reported the award was "peer-reviewed." Two of the nine judges have been dead since 2021 and voted in favour regardless. We regret the word "peer."

Letters to the Editor

"I read that your paper won an award for honesty, funded by companies you have never covered. I would like to nominate you for a second award, for consistency."

— Not Fooled, But Amused

"My late uncle, one of your judges, would be proud to know his vote still counts. He passed in 2021 and voted for you again this year."

— On His Behalf, Reluctantly