Front Page · Social Desk
Friend Group Chat Marked Active, Nobody Has Typed In It Since Last September
It is unread-zero, pinned to the top, and has not produced an actual plan since last year's leaving do.
A phone lies on the arm of a sofa on a Tuesday night. One thread sits open on the screen, unread-zero and pinned to the top. Nobody has typed a single word in it since last September.
The hotline goes to voicemail.
The last message reads: "we NEED to do this before it gets cold this year 🙌." It was sent last September and liked by three people, but nobody replied. It has been the newest message ever since.
The thread gets reopened most weeks, though nobody writes anything — it's opened only to check if someone else already has. The screen locks itself again after half a minute.
The messaging app still rates the group as active, since its own criteria only count opens, not messages. By that measure, the group has never been more engaged.
The last time they were all in one room was a leaving do last June. One of them was sick into her own handbag, zipped it shut, and carried it home like nothing had happened. Nobody has mentioned the handbag since.
Messaging apps now report these silent opens to a national institute, which logs each one as a "reconnection attempt, unresolved." Each month the institute adds up the total. It publishes a Friendship Recession Advisory, the way weather services publish a pollen count.
This month's advisory rates the whole country "moderate to lapsed" — the same rating as every month before it. Households get a fixed quota of unanswered "we should catch up"s. Past it, a group can be reported inactive, through a national hotline. The hotline goes to voicemail.
"This is not about blame," said Dr. Anke Voss of the institute. She has not seen her own closest friend since a wedding in May. The average group now manages one point four real meetups a year, and the number keeps falling. Nobody has found time to discuss why.
Employers now offer paid "reconnection leave," to be spent only with the group named in the advisory. Almost nobody takes it. Most of the leave is taken alone, on a sofa, refreshing the same thread.
"We're overdue a catch-up," said one member, opening the thread to check. It was the second time that day, and nobody had said anything since the first.
This newspaper keeps its own group chat, for contributors. Its last message asked if anyone fancied a drink after this issue went to print. It was sent by the editor. Nobody has liked it.
Nobody has replied.