Established MMXVIII · Circulation: 122,340, each one certain their own weekly call runs longer than it does.MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 2026Price: Free, one guilt surcharge applied automatically to anyone who let it go to voicemail.
Corrections Desk Pre-Emptively Corrects Tomorrow's Edition.

Brain Epitaph

Sports Desk Still Reviewing Last Week's Nil-Nil Draw.

All the news that's already dead — we just write the marker.

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Front Page · Obligation Desk

Son's Weekly Call To Mother Audited By Phone Company, Lasts Exactly One Grocery Run

Confirmed by the carrier's own log, disclosed to absolutely no one.

By a Correspondent Who Also Times His Own Calls · Filed Under: Mothers, Punctuality, Guilt

The dashboard mount, already lit, before the seatbelt clicks.

The phone lights up on the dashboard mount the second the car leaves the driveway. "Hi Mum" is already out before the seatbelt clicks. He has missed it only rarely in six years, and mentions each time to anyone who will listen.

The call is not short," the carrier's report noted. "The drive is.

The call is exactly as long as the drive to the supermarket. It starts at the driveway and ends in the car park. Not the shop. Just the car park.

His phone carrier logs the call every week, automatically, under "Family — Other." The average length is eleven minutes. His actual visits home are not measured at all.

Twice the drive has run short. Both times he circled the car park rather than hang up before reaching the doors. Once, needing to piss badly, he used a bottle kept in the footwell instead of breaking the call. His mother asked about the noise. He told her it was the road.

She takes the call from the same kitchen chair every week, the one nearest the toilet. This has never been discussed. Neither has the fact that she also gets there early, just in case.

A family therapist, consulted for this report, called the arrangement "remarkably stable." She was paid for the hour and did not elaborate further. The invoice listed the topic as "boundaries."

Last spring he moved to a flat closer to the supermarket. He told friends it was so he could "be nearer to her." The call is now shorter by roughly the same amount, and he has not corrected anyone.

The carrier's own app later asked him to rate the call. He gave it the highest rating available, from the car park, before going in for milk. The app thanked him and asked nothing else.

This newspaper called to ask him about the arrangement. The interview lasted exactly as long as our own drive to the office. We hung up first, and blamed the traffic.

Tomorrow’s Forecast

Overcast, With Isolated Regret Clearing By Evening

A ridge of low confidence moves in overnight, bringing last night's decisions with it. Expect scattered avoidance through the morning.

Clear skies follow by early afternoon, mostly because nobody has checked their phone yet.

Outlook: Filed under "we'll deal with it Monday."

Classifieds

  • FOR SALE: One (1) hands-free car mount, barely used, still displaying a saved contact named "Mum ❤️" that nobody has the heart to rename.
  • WANTED: A hairline last seen around 2014. Reward: my old passport photo, for comparison.
  • SERVICES: Passive-aggressive Post-it notes, handwritten, delivered same-day, by a woman who insists she is "not upset."
  • LOST: The rest of Sunday afternoon, last seen somewhere between kickoff and a nap that became permanent.

Corrections

  • An earlier edition described the weekly call as "brief." It is not brief. It is precisely as long as a supermarket car park allows, and our reporter has been asked to time his own more carefully.
  • We reported that the "Treat Yourself Sunday" habit was under control. It is not. The banking app has since been moved to a folder marked "Later."

Letters to the Editor

"Your paper implied men over forty check their pulse after climbing one flight of stairs. I do not check my pulse. I simply stand very still at the top, out of respect for the view."

— In Excellent Shape, Structurally

"Your paper suggested ordering takeaway for one every night is 'concerning.' It is meal prep. I am simply prepping one meal, repeatedly, for one person, every night."

— Extremely Prepared, Nutritionally