Established MMXVIII · Circulation: 121,000, most of it checked against a second device before being believed.WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 30, 2026Price: Free. Accuracy not guaranteed, see Page 1.
Sports Desk On A Five-A-Side Suspension That Has The Whole League Suddenly Avoiding Eye Contact.

Brain Epitaph

Money Desk On A Book Club Bill That Keeps Arriving Bigger Than Expected, Nobody Knows Why.

All the news that's already dead — we just write the marker.

BreakingFitness App Adds "Honesty" Badge, Feature Remains Unclaimed NationwideWomen's Group Chat Reaches Quorum For First Time Since MarchLocal Grandfather Declares War On Neighbourhood Squirrels, Council Declines To InterveneOffice Installs Silent Meeting Room, Fully Booked Within The HourBank Introduces Fee For Asking About Fees, Calls It TransparencyMan Proposes At Half-Time, Referee Adds Two Minutes For StoppageFitness App Adds "Honesty" Badge, Feature Remains Unclaimed NationwideWomen's Group Chat Reaches Quorum For First Time Since MarchLocal Grandfather Declares War On Neighbourhood Squirrels, Council Declines To InterveneOffice Installs Silent Meeting Room, Fully Booked Within The HourBank Introduces Fee For Asking About Fees, Calls It TransparencyMan Proposes At Half-Time, Referee Adds Two Minutes For Stoppage

Front Page · Wellness Desk

Man's Midnight Heart-Rate Spike Ruled A "Tracking Error," Third Time This Year

He blamed the watch. His partner was lying right next to him, watching it happen.

By A Correspondent Whose Own Watch Has Learned To Say Nothing · Filed Under: Performance Reviews

The nightstand, photographed Thursday night. The phone is lit, its timestamp reading just before midnight. The rest of the room, including the person lying two feet from it, is not pictured.

His watch logged a heart-rate spike just before midnight and flagged it for review. His partner did not need the readout. She was lying next to him when it happened.

We've logged your concern and will monitor for further irregularities.

He had just finished having sex. It took eleven seconds. He reached for the phone before she could read the number and said the only thing he ever says. "Tracking error," he told her.

This is the third time this year the watch has caught it, always close to midnight, lasting about the same. The times before this, she said nothing back. She checked her own phone instead.

The maker's wellness team reviews flagged accounts every week. His account has been flagged three times for what the file calls a short, high-intensity event of unclear origin. The file never uses the word he is avoiding. Neither does he.

The company's own data puts the average flagged event well under his. He has never mentioned this to anyone. He clearly enjoys not mentioning it.

Last week the account received a written response. "We've logged your concern and will monitor for further irregularities," it read. He does not remember filing a complaint.

He did not file it. It came from another login, an account feature called "household," opened the morning after the last flag. It can see everything his account can see.

She has not corrected him once. She has started screenshotting the account instead, filed under a folder called "Just In Case."

The watch's maker advertises on this paper's fitness page, under the line "Never Misses A Beat." We ran that ad every week he was flagged, and never asked whose beat it meant.

Tomorrow’s Forecast

National Guilt Expected To Peak Saturday Night, Clearing By Monday Payroll

Guilt will build steadily through the weekend, worst right after the second round nobody remembers agreeing to buy.

Regret follows close behind, arriving Sunday morning at roughly the same time as the card statement.

Outlook: Two rounds forecast, one round remembered, one statement settling the difference.

Classifieds

  • FOR SALE: One (1) rowing machine, bought with real intentions, now the most expensive towel rail in the flat.
  • WANTED: A believable reason to leave the group holiday chat without anyone noticing.
  • SERVICES: Marriage counselling from a man separated twice and married once, in that order.
  • LOST: The ability to say no to a round. Last seen at a colleague's leaving drinks. Reward offered, will likely be spent on a round.

Corrections

  • An earlier edition described the five-a-side player's honesty as "a lapse in judgement." The league has confirmed judgement was never involved. He simply told the truth, and has been asked to stop.
  • We reported that book clubs "occasionally discuss books." A full review of the minutes, going back to March, found this happens rarely, and never past the second glass.

Letters to the Editor

"Your paper claims honesty gets men suspended from five-a-side. I have never been suspended. I have also never once admitted to a foul, and I intend to keep it that way."

— Still Unbeaten, 46

"Your paper claims my book club now costs more than my therapist. This is untrue. My therapist charges by the hour. My book club is unlimited wine and a joining fee I have never once read the terms of."

— Founding Member, 43